Posted on:Here at Megatouch, we know sexy. After all, we’ve been doing Penthouse Photo Hunt, like, forever. I’m the one who picks out the pictures, I’m also massively into Halloween, so I feel pretty qualified to talk to you about a growing problem in our society. Needlessly sexy Halloween costumes. Now, some people will rail against the sexification of Halloween. I am not one of those people. I understand the inherent sexiness of some Halloween costumes, I even get the want of some folks to sex it up come All Hallow’s Eve. The allure of a good sexy costume is hard to ignore. Sexy Nurse, I get it. Sexy Cop, totally cool. Sexy Witch, I see where you’re coming from. Sexy Cat, by all means go for it. Sexy Something Katy Perry Has Worn in a Video. Of course. Sexy Hannibal Lecter. Wait, what? Who looked around at the myriad of sexy Halloween costumes and said, “You know what’s missing? A hot version of that guy from ‘Silence of the Lambs’.” No, it really wasn’t. What, you think I’m joking? Here it is:
Because "I ate his liver with some fava beans & a nice chianti" is great dirty talk.
But, there is so much more “WTF!?!” where that came from, because there are some things that are just naturally unsexy, that doesn’t stop the costume people from trying. So here, in my humble opinion are some of the best of the worst.
Psycho Killers
L-R: Ms. Krueger, Sexy Miss Vorhees, Miss Leatherface, Ghost Face
You know what’s super-hot? Mass murderers. And that’s what all of these pretty ladies have in common. They totally want to murder you. It may be because your parents killed them after they molested you. Perhaps she rose from the dead after her mom killed off a bunch of inept camp counselors.* Maybe you just didn’t follow the established rules of horror movies, and your mom had an affair with their dad. You may have even just stumbled into the path of their creepy cannibal family and they’d really like your epidermis to replace their ratty old skin apron.** Whatever the reason, you’re dead holmes. Dead sexy, that is.
*Neither Jason, nor Mama Vorhees, ever wore a hockey jersey. The Vorhees killing uniform was generally dirty, moldy sweatshirt, pants and jacket. Get it right or pay the price, costume people. The price being an arrow through your throat like Keven Bacon got in the original.
**This costume would actually be hilarious with a Leatherface mask.
What I’d really like to see is a sexy Pinhead from ‘Hellraiser’. No, wait, a sexy Michael Myers. But, Sexy Michael Myers will never happen, because everyone, EVERYONE, is scared of him.
Cartoon Characters & Beloved Children’s Characters
L to R: Sassy Bambi, Sassy Big Bird, Nem-Oh!, Darling Wendy
Really, costume makers, you had to go there? These characters are all so sweet and innocent, like they’re made of puppies and rainbows and hugs. I mean, I don’t think when I was a kid that I even realized Bambi had a gender. Consider me set straight, because now I know that she is a hot, hot lady deer. And you, “Wicked Neverland Darling Wendy Adult Costume” you took the innocence of story time and promised to make it memorable by turning Captain Hook’s head. Gross. For shame Nem-Oh! You turned an adorable, lost fish just trying to get back to their dad, into a teen runaway fish just trying to make it on the streets. But I think my favorite is Miss Big Bird here, because every furry miniskirt needs a giant stuffed head. But hey, at least she’ll be warm, right? Right!
- L-R: Sexy Ninja Turtle, Sexy Marvin the Martian, Sexy SpongeBob SquarePants, Sexy Elmo
What can one say about sexy Leonardo that hasn’t already been sa… Wait, what? We’re talking about the Ninja Turtle and not the DiCaprio? Never mind. I mean really, this is just weird. A sexy mutant in a half-shell? Even the X-Men haven’t tried that, because they know it could never really work. And, hello to you Sexy Marvin the Martian, I’m sorry that instead of your whole body taking over the planet, your eyes were plastered onto some girls chest. Speaking of eyes, is there a less sexy cartoon character than SpongeBob SquarePants? That gap-toothed grin and the crazy googly eyes, hot, right? Like a lady Alfred E. Newman. And, finally, “Me Elmo, me want sexy Halloween costume of Elmo ’cause Elmo love being sexy.” Hear that in Elmo’s voice and try to think of sex. Bet you can’t, or at least don’t really want to.
Clowns
L to R: All of my nightmares made flesh.
No. No! NO! No, with a side of huh? Double, quadruple, a billion times, multiplied by infinity, plus a whole world of NO! Okay, so maybe I have clown issues. It’s a real phobia. Look it up! Regardless, not sexy. Also, I think the one on the right is trying to steal my soul.
Food & Drink
L to R: Miss Milwaukee, Ketchup Cutie, "Tap This!", Befuddled Orange M&M
There are sexy beverages and sexy foods. Champagne, whipped cream, and strawberries anyone? Those things are rarely consumed by old, haggard men in dive bars. However, meet your new friends Sexy Old Milwaukee Beer Can, Sexy Ketchup, Sexy Keg and Sexy Confused Orange M & M. Sexy Old Mil is a traditional kind of gal, and although she’s what made Milwaukee famous, she’s won’t make a fool out of you. Sexy Ketchup is hot, red hot that is! This Pittsburgh native’s 57 varieties will keep things interesting for years to come. And here’s our Sexy Keg! All the boys are lining up to tap that, so you better get in line. Her easy pump action will keep the party going until she’s kicked.* Finally, we have Sexy Confused Orange M & M, so sweet, so befuddled, so orange! Won’t you take her by the hand and show her the way to your mouth? Okay, I even grossed myself out with that one.
*I know, groan.
Animals
L to R: Teddy Bear, Parrot Princess, Risky Raccoon, Stinkin' Cute Skunk
Sure, some animals are traditionally considered sexy, but these are not those.* Overly adorable, mean, smelly or just plain gross, these guys have got the weird-sexy bases covered. Like Teddy Bear Girl, what’s sweet to cuddle up with when you’re 7 is a little icky when you’re 27, plus that’s some of the mangiest faux fur I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure if you’ve ever spent time around a parrot, but those suckers are mean. Personal opinion you say? Well, ask all of the fingers who have lost their tips to the beak of my family bird Sam, listen to him cackle like my Nana and then look upon our Parrot Princess favorably, I dare you. Here she is, Risky Raccoon. First of all, risky? It sounds like you might contract some sort of disease, which you probably would, because raccoons eat garbage. And then the Skunk, she’s stinkin’ cute, isn’t she? Wouldn’t you just like to get into a nice, warm bath of tomato juice and wash her stench right off you? Yeah, I bet you would.
*Thank you college degree, for allowing me to write a sentence that might might be more at home in the darkest corners of the internet and get paid for it.
Now, I suppose that sexy is in the eye of the beholder. But, the moral of my story is this, not every “sexy” costume is sexy, some are just creepy and cooky and all together ooky. Like Sexy Wednesday Addams, but that’s a story for a whole ‘nother day. Maybe after our little Wednesday gets her Sexy Homicidal Maniac costume from FedEx. They look just like everyone else, you know.
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