Posted on:Was Kurt able to convince you of the evil that is the Brony movement? Before you decide, check out Elissa’s argument in favor of in Part 2 of Ponies & Bronies.
Twilight Sparkle. Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash. Applejack. Fluttershy. Rarity. You can hate on the Mane Six all you want, but true Bronies brush that shade straight off the shoulder. They look cute, but Ponies be straight-up hardcore boss chicks and, no matter what you say about My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, they’ll just sit back, chuck up a brohoof, and pray for your assimilation into the herd. These equine angels can out-glitter Lisa Frank dolphins in a whose-eyes-gleam-the-most death match any day and still laugh off trauma that would send Hello Kitty into a vicious depression spiral. After it’s all said and done, fillies just don’t give a buck. What, don’t believe me?
When Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie go pranking in “Griffon the Brush Off” not a single mare in all Ponyville whines Disney-style about hurt feelings. The two decide to paint Sweet Apple Acre’s entire apple crop, screwing with the sole source of income for Applejack’s poor farmer family. And when the mischievous duo runs off leaving ‘jack with thousands of apples to hand wash two coats of most likely lead-based paint off of, girlfriend just cracks a smile like good one, jerkfaces! You got me! Totally chill. (Later, while the other ponies party it up at Princess Celestia’s annual winter kegger, Applejack’s stuck hustling pies to support her senile Granny Smith and mentally deficient brother Big Mac.) The only one who has a problem with practical jokes is Gilda the griffon, who, after mercilessly tormenting Granny Smith (now showing signs of advanced dementia) gets thrown a party by Pinkie Pie, where Rainbow Dash just pranks her even harder. Gilda gets her first layer of tongue-skin burned off, is violently electrocuted, and suffers grievous bodily harm by way of a rigged game of Pin the Tail on the Pony. That’ll teach a trick!
It’s because Dash is the good type of bad and she knows it. When little pegasister Scootaloo and her friends Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom seek out Dash to hear the story of how Equestria’s bossest flyer earned her cutie mark, an MLP badge of Honor not unlike a teardrop tattoo, they unfortunately run into just about every single other series regular. Despite Scoots & Co. telling them that their personal cutie mark stories are a big pile of DO NOT WANT, ponies proceed to tell them anyway. You’d expect, in a kids cartoon, that when the girls finally get to Dash, she’ll drop yet another boring tale and we’ll all learn that everypony has something to offer and we should appreciate advice from our elders. Not so. Dash is all “I made a sound barrier-breaking Sonic Rainboom!” and Scootaloo’s like “Yeah, I told you Dash is the coolest!” then Dash says “Pretty much.” and everyone else admits to being helplessly lame in comparison.
Even prissy unicorn Rarity takes no guff, and when she’s abducted, shackled, and forced into slave labor during “Dog and Pony Show” she acts like a complete tool until her captors, the Diamond Dogs, just give up on life and start doing her bidding. They eventually regain the upper hand, but not to worry. The rest of the pony crew shows up and gets nasty, delivering a flurry of back kicks and hoof stomps that would surely in real life leave a recipient with broken bones and severe internal bleeding.
Dealing with crisis somewhat differently is Pinkie, the wild card of the gang. In “Party of One” her toothless pet alligator Gummy, whose dental problems stem from the steady diet of cupcakes and fruit punch PP force-feeds him, is having an after-birthday-party-party and not a single one of Pinkie’s pony pals want to celebrate. So after pulling a bad cop on Spike the dragon and forcing him to commit perjury and falsely admit the others are avoiding her (She literally shines a spotlight in his face and smashes a mirror) Pinkie instead ties party hats to a bucket of turnips, some rocks, a bag of flower, and sir lints-a-lot. In a sequence straight out of American Psycho, the background goes black-light blood splatter, and the inanimate party guests start actually talking to her while PP develops bodily spasms and starts making this face:
Dash interrupts and narrowly escapes ponycide by taking PP to Applejack’s barn where they’re throwing Pinkie a surprise party. Don’t they know you shouldn’t creep on a pony with a history of disturbing behavior?
Brainiac Twilight Sparkle seems pretty tame compared to the Ol’ Pinkie Bastard, but don’t let her nerdy love of books and writing fool you. Pony’s got the best shank-eye outside Compton and will hit you with a prize-winning eye roll the moment a single word of dumb slips out your mouth. She was sent to Ponyville by Princess Celestia to discover the magic of friendship and is expected to report back to the castle each week during the first season with a new lesson learned. Yet, in more than half the episodes, Twilight decides someone else needs the social education more and pawns the assignment off on a different pony. And they just happily do the work for her. (UPDATE: In season 2′s “Lesson Zero” Twilight actually does bring the inner crazy out to lunch, not quite but almost rivaling Pinkie’s unraveling.)
Pretty, gentle-voiced Fluttershy is even less believably tough at first glance, but a simple video clip titled “Fluttershy kills a bear” should be enough to prove her mettle. Trust, this is no dream sequence.
Clearly Bronies don’t feel the need to defend their beloved series from critics because they’re worried its stars can’t take it. We write walls of text in support of these ladies because Our Little Ponies stand tall and take no prisoners. They’re adorably unlike any young girl’s television show in a history of characters that are all style and good manners and feelings and no substance. Despite being sentient, candy-colored, sweet-named miniature horses, the Mane Six each have their own unique touch of insanity or toughness that makes them seem real and almost human. That’s enough basis for universal appeal, right? Just nod your head, fillies and colts, or we’ll sic Fluttershy on ya.
Check out Part 1 here.
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