Another week, another episode. But this one’s got shootin’. Lots of it. Come on inside and see what all the fuss was about, won’t you?

Episode 209: Triggerfinger

And we open on stupid Lori in the stupid wrecked car. Have I mentioned that this is stupid? How ridiculous it was that she even went out there in the first place? The failure of logic that led her to sneak out, take a car, and try to get to town with a map when Beth’s condition had only gotten incrementally worse? Because it’s stupid. And a little lazy of the writers not to come up with a better reason to put ye olde damsel in distress, once again. Although, she does prove herself resourceful by ripping one of the turn signal thingies (technical term) off of the the steering column and stabbing a Walker through the eye with it. She dispatches another dead thing with a head shot. And starts walking. Back to the farm, right? Nope, she’s stupid.

To quote Ed Lover, "C'Mon son!"

Rick, Glenn, and Hershel are just about to leave Dead Dave and Dead Tony and head back to the farm when their friends come along. Instead of keeping his mouth shut, Rick decides to call out that Dead Dave and Dead Tony drew on them. I wish the internet was giving me Hershel’s “you stupid mothereffer” face, because it was hilarious. Dead Dave and Dead Tony’s friends are none-too-pleased by this and a shoot out ensues, in which Glenn freezes up and Hershel displays bad-ass tendencies. Hershel also gives us the quote, “I can shoot, I just don’t like to.” Which, duh, he grew up on a farm. In Georgia. They generally like guns in these sorts of places.

At the farmhouse, everyone is sitting down to dinner when they realize Lori is missing. Shane, of course, tears off after her by himself, because Shane is the only person with magical Lori-saving abilities.

Carol goes looking for Daryl, who is still in full-on redneck dick mode. He’s cutting himself off from the group in a way I really don’t appreciate. Please come back Warrior Poet Daryl, please!

In town, Rick is still trying to reason with the unseen shooters, unsurprisingly, they keep shooting. He sends Glenn out to try and get the car, while Hershel goes to cover him. A man comes around the corner and takes a shot at Glenn, barely missing him. Hershel takes aim and does not miss, the guy goes down screaming in pain. Glenn is not screaming in pain, but he is frozen in fear next to a dumpster. Rick pep-talks him and they start to make for the car when more shots ring out. A truck pulls up and yells at a shooter on a roof across the street to jump for it. He does, but we hear him call out in pain. The truck holding his friends takes off, there are “Roamers” everywhere.

That's Dirty Hershel, to you. Punk.

Rick goes to check on the injured shooter and finds his leg impaled on a fence. This is when we meet Randall (Michael Zegen). Class, say hello to Randall. A cursory examination tells Hershel that his leg is pretty much screwed and they decide to try to amputate. With a pocket knife. With. A. Pocket. Knife. Luckily (or unluckily?) for Randall, Walkers are closing in all around. So, with one swift push upward, Rick dislodges his leg and they make for an available vehicle.

Speaking of available vehicles, Shane is speeding along country roads in the Kia of Yuck, looking for Lori. Is it wrong that I kind of hoped he’d tear around a corner and hit her? Anywhoozle, he comes upon the wreck, complete with 2 dead zombies, but no Lori. When he finally does find her, he tells her that Rick and the others are already back at the farm, safe and sound.

Carol takes some more time to try and bring my sweet Daryl back to us. Unfortunately, all we get is mean Daryl, who tells Carol that if she had spent more time paying attention to Sophia, and less time in everyone else’s business, her daughter would still be alive. Yikes. Way harsh, Tai. And not even true.

Lori and Shane make it back to the farm, and she quickly realizes he lied to her. He says he had to protect the baby. Oh, sweet Christ on a cracker, we’re really going to deal with more of this aren’t we? Get over yourself Shane, you incredible narcissist! This baby is not about you! Oh, and hey, you just spilled the natal beans to young Carl. Good going, dick.

In an endearing bit of normalcy, Carl quizzes Lori about the baby, and gets excited about being Big Brother Carl. He even asks if they can name the baby Sophia if it’s a girl. I’m sorry champ, I’m going to guess that’s a no. But, of course, Shane has to come along and ruin the moment by sticking his whole giant head in where it doesn’t belong. Even WaaAndrea is like, “Dude, not now.” But no hints are taken. And gross, he essentially admits to killing Otis, but claims to have done everything he did because he loooooooovvvesssss Lori. And to her credit, Lori tries really hard not to give the world’s biggest eye roll to this. She let’s Shane know that she told Rick about them. He won’t accept that she would have never let their naughty bits touch if it wasn’t for her husband being psuedo-dead and the world ending. He thinks what they had was real and, “a long-time coming.” He’s the worst. And also totally in love with Rick, not Lori. What? I’m just relaying what the internet tells me.

The next morning, everyone is gearing up to go into town. But, Rick, Glenn, and Hershel arrive with a blindfolded Randall in tow before they can set out. So, how far is town? Glenn and Maggie can get there and back on horses in an afternoon, but it takes these jokers all night to get back in a car? Whatever. Everyone wants to know what to do with Randall. Rick and Hershel want to heal him up and then drive him somewhere and drop him off. Shane clearly wants to just kill him outright. He expresses this by essentially throwing a hissy fit and storming off. Hershel recognizes this tactic because he got 2 women through their teenage years, and cuts Shane off  telling him that this is his farm and he doesn’t particularly want Shane on it. Hershel has grown a set, and that set is enormous.

Maggie pulls Glenn aside and he admits to her that he froze up in the gun battle. He tells her that it’s because he thought of her, and how she would feel if he lost her and he just hid. Maggie thinks that’s super-sweet. Glenn thinks it’s going to get him killed and he does not like that one bit.

Outside, WaaAndrea tries to give Shane a lesson in public relations. She tells him that she agrees with him, and that every decision he’s made has been the right call, it’s just that his delivery is off. Because Shane thinks everything is about Shane and Shane’s always right and everyone is always against Shane. He tells her that they’re just “odd men out” and he should have left with her when he had the chance. He’s apparently under the impression that anyone else still wants him there?

Rick and Lori are getting undressed in their tent. Lori tells him that Shane thinks the baby is his, but reiterates that no matter what Rick will be this baby’s father. She says that Shane is delusional and dangerous, and mentions that she thinks he killed Otis. Rick’s not quite getting the point, so Lady Lori MacBeth leans in real close and whispers, “You killed the living to protect what’s yours. Shane thinks I’m his. He thinks the baby is his, and he says you can’t protect us. He’s dangerous, Rick.” The look on Rick’s face tells me that shit’s going to be getting real, sooner rather than later.

It might look something like this, in a stage production.

Next week, more arguin’ and fightin’!

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And thanks to our friends at Penthouse, with whom we have partnered to create several Megatouch games, including the brand-spankin’ new Penthouse Photo Hunt and Penthouse Super Boxxi, we have access to an amazing database of pictures to share with our faithful Megatouch fans. Without further ado, behold, in their somewhat NSFW glory, the Ten Hottest Women to Appear in a Megatouch Video Game!

10 – Penny Flame

Ms. Flame is not only hot, she’s also quite introspective – a thinking man’s thinking woman. She retired from “the business”, did a short stint on a reality show and now seems to be exploring her creative side through art and writing. Penny has a pretty interesting blog and apparently has a memoir in the works.

9 – Akira Jade

Not much info to be found about Akira on the web. Come on, interwebz, I’m disappointed in you. But in the end, does it really matter when you can just play Penthouse Photo Hunt and wait for her picture to pop up?

8 – Adrienne Manning

None of my neighbors look anything like this - I'm moving

Adrienne Manning has a Facebook profile, y’all! No offense to my Facebook friends but you guys don’t have nearly as nice a profile as Adrienne. I shall unfriend all of you post haste until you step up your game. Oh, by the way, she’s also on Twitter, where she claims to be a nerdy girl next door. Next door to whom, may I ask??

 7 – Mariah Milano

While researching Mariah Milano I discovered Boobpedia, a wikipedia of boobs, if you will. Goodbye, weekend! Anyway, I digress. Mariah has built up not only a reputation of hotness, but of kindness to her fans, as she has been known to send them Christmas cards. You can follow her on Twitter as well – just tell her Jim sent ya! She’ll act like she doesn’t know who I am, but it’s ok, that’s just our little game.

6 – Shay Laren

Nerd - You're doing it wrong.

Shay Laren apparently hails from Hawaii. I say apparently, cuz can the internetz really be trusted for anything other than funny cats and celebrity nipple slips? However, Shay does describe herself as a “web vixen” so I won’t question it. Over at Twitter, she is now the second beautiful lady on our list to describe herself as a “nerd.” Hmm…

5 – Memphis Monroe

Marilyn is now the second-hottest Monroe

I considered quoting lyrics from Marc Cohn’s “Walking in Memphis” but really, that song sucks and is not worthy of our fifth place finisher. Born in New Orleans, raised in Louisville, goes by the name of Memphis. Hey, she could call herself Poughkeepsie for all I care, the woman is gorgeous. Follow her on Twitter, where she skips reflexively calling herself a nerd and simply goes with “porn star.” Indeed.

4 – Jessica Kramer

See you at the reception!

Jessica apparently had a brief brush with infamy when she showed up intoxicated on TMZ. I’m going to side with Jessica on this one because, well… look at her! Seems Ms. Kramer got engaged on New Year’s Eve, according to her Twitter, so save up for a nice wedding present. Jessica, you can forward my invite to Jim, c/o Megatouch. Thanks!

3 – Sasha Grey

Replacing the current Entourage cast with Sasha & her friends will be my first move when I take over HBO

Hmm, it seems that starring in a Megatouch video game is NOT the high point of Sasha’s career. It would appear she has gone on to star in a film by some guy named Soderbergh, made season 7 of Entourage watchable, and now has a book coming out.  Oh yeah, she’s in a band too. Sasha Grey – multitasking hotness.

2 – Natasha Nice

I'm still watching the Oscars, just in case

So, Natasha is French, how nice. (See what I did there?) Well, born in France anyway, raised in L.A., she was the Penthouse Pet of the Month in December, 2011. She is also a 4-time AVN Award nominee, the latest coming in 2012 for Best Actress in Dear Abby. I bet she lost to that bitch Meryl Streep, she wins every– ohhh, pardon me, it seems to be two different awards, my bad. Head on over to Twitter and ask Natasha all about it!

1 – Taylor Vixen

I think I just blacked out

Taylor Vixen was the 2010 Penthouse Pet of the Year and it is my firm belief she should be crowned as such every year for the rest of her life. She’s just that spectacular. Boobpedia lists several other models with “similar face and body” but I call shenanigans. That’s like saying I am similar in face and body with Ryan Gosling (totally true, btdubs). You can follow Ms. Vixen on Twitter where she describes herself as a Chik-Fil-A Slut. That makes two of us, my dear.

That’s our list folks, and honestly, all the women of Penthouse are pretty darn attractive, so do yourself a favor and find a Megatouch machine this weekend. Spend a few hours with some buds over some beers and keep an eye out for the upcoming Penthouse Photo Hunt Battle as well as the other current Megatouch Penthouse games. Don’t let the Pets down!

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Yet like many dyed-in-the-wool Star Wars nerds, I was, uh, somewhat displeased when Episode 1 hit theaters in 1999. For the last 10 years I’ve viewed the prequels as an utter betrayal, the ultimate sell-out, and a failure destined for the history books. And even if Episode 1 wasn’t the worst of the bunch, thanks to the addition of Jar-Jar Binks, midichlorians, and other unwelcome elements, it was certainly the point where things suddenly seemed to go off the rails for the Star Wars universe.

But was it actually all that bad?

History's greatest monster? Or under-appreciated genius?

More than a decade removed from the film’s release, I found myself wondering if I wasn’t being unfair and letting my nerd rage get away with me. Memory can do funny things – in my early 20′s, I’d gone back and re-read a handful of novels I’d loved as a teenager to see if they held up to adult scrutiny (spoiler alert: most of them didn’t). Didn’t the prequels deserve a re-evaluation, as well? Maybe I’d even – gulp – enjoy them?

Ultimately, I decided that I’d go see the film. I spent my $15, donned my goofy 3D Buddy Holly glasses, and sat back to see if Episode 1 is still the travesty fans have accused it of being since its release.

So, is it?

To jump right to the end… no, not really. In retrospect, Episode 1 isn’t the childhood-destroying, nostalgia war-crime people make it out to be. Which is not to say it’s a great movie, because… well, it isn’t. At best, it’s ambitious but deeply flawed. Mistakes, as they say, were obviously made. There’s a lot to like about the movie, but there’s also a lot of legitimate problems with it. Some parts haven’t aged well, and I don’t think there’s a strong argument for it ever having the same impact as the original films.

In short, Episode 1 is simply not as good as its 1977 counterpart, Star Wars: A New Hope. It doesn’t have the same wide appeal, it doesn’t have the same free-wheeling and subversive spirit, and when it does muster that grand old Star Wars magic, it fritters it away without nearly the same class as George Lucas & Co. way back when.

Even at its lowest points, though, The Phantom Menace is never worse than mediocre.  Why, then, did it inspire so much vitriol from fans? There’s the sting of disappointment, certainly, but there’s more to it. I think what it ultimately comes down to is that fans spent decades waiting for a Star Wars prequel made just for them, targeted to fans and fans alone. But what they got instead were broad family films intended for a wide audience, made to entertain as many people as possible. If that sounds like a coldly calculated business move, that’s because it is – but it’s no more calculated than the original films were.

Pictured: A modest artistic endeavor which has not been in any way commercialized.

As much as some people like to overlook the fact, Star Wars has always been a mass-market popular entertainment, not some wonky art film intended for only a small few. Back in the mid-70’s, when a young George Lucas was still doing press tours for American Graffiti, he described his next project as being a “space western” designed for 10 year olds. Not solely 10 year olds, of course – Lucas hoped to make something that would appeal to all demographics. And in many respects, he pulled it off. The original Star Wars films really do have something for every demographic and age group.

But that was another era in both film-making and American culture. In the 70’s, a movie that features alien limbs being hacked off, the violent deaths of dozen of Imperials via blaster shot, and the graphic portrayal of the burned-out corpses of the hero’s relatives could still be considered family entertainment. The same is true of the film’s adult themes, which include such kid-friendly fare as revenge, outright betrayal, and mass genocide. But this being the 1970s, as long as the bad guys lost in the end, everything was fine and dandy. Bring the wife, bring the kids, bring grandma! It’s fun for everyone!

In 1999? Not so much. I mean, when’s the last time you saw the scorched corpses of the protagonist’s parental figures in a Pixar film? Or seen the friendly mentor in a Spy Kids movie murdered by the bad guy half-way through? How many populated planets are destroyed in Kung Fu Panda? It’s simply not gonna happen. And since Lucas still wanted to appeal to 10 year olds with these new films, changes needed to be made.

Droids are the most deeply oppressed minority in the Star Wars universe. No health insurance, mandatory overtime, and you have to keep saying "Roger-roger."

Enter the droid army, whose non-living and disposable members can be wiped out with moral impunity and without accruing an R rating. Exit many of those adult themes, which have kept the original films fresh for fans as they got older. Oh, sure, there’s still some surprisingly graphic stuff that parallels aspects of the originals – Darth Maul gets sliced in half, Qui-Gon gets killed, of course – but the way it’s handled and portrayed is tame stuff compared to the originals, which can get pretty dark. The original films were targeted at a young audience primarily, but they were nowhere near as narrow in their appeal as the prequels.

What it ultimately comes down to is whether the Star Wars prequels were to be fan entertainment or popular entertainment – and it’s pretty clear which one Lucas went with. This was undoubtedly a conscious choice, and it’s consistent with the earlier trilogy, even if being made in a different decade means that choice leads to a totally different outcome in the prequels. Lucas could have made a film for the fans, sure, but would it have been a success with anyone not actively looking for a pastiche of late-70s family action cinema?

None of this is to argue that The Phantom Menace is the equal of any of the original trilogy. Even when it’s in peak form in one of those handful of spots where the effects, design, cinematography, and score all came together to hit my brain’s Star Wars button, it’s never as good. Family entertainment or no, it still has some inexcusable flaws as a film.

Is he sad? Wistful? Excited? Hopeful? Deep in thought? None can grasp the intricacies of Jake Lloyd's incredibly nuanced acting.

The writing and acting are both sub-par. Jake Lloyd is badly miscast as a too-young Anakin and uses the same “Gosh, gee whiz!” line readings whether he’s pod racing or tearfully saying goodbye to his mother. Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley sleepwalk through their roles as Amidala and her queenly decoy. Ewan McGregor is merely “OK” as Obi-Wan Kenobi. Meanwhile, Liam Neeson turns in the only legitimately good performance as the wise but idealistic Qui-Gon Jinn.

None of these actors are helped by clunky dialog that has little of the zip or humor of the originals. In making the prequels more family friendly for a modern audience, Lucas unfortunately came up with a muddled script that never quite sticks the landing. There’s plenty of dialog, but none of it really says anything. There’s exciting action sequences that need only a little gravitas to be truly great – like the much-lauded “Duel of the Fates” sequence with Darth Maul – but that gravitas is nowhere to be found. It’s a movie that seems like it would appeal to adults at first glance, but all the lofty themes fall flat and never really go anywhere.

The Phantom Menace’s CGI effects also now look sadly dated. Whereas the original trilogy was made at the absolute pinnacle of model- and matte-based special effects, The Phantom Menace was made while CGI was still in relative infancy. It pleased audiences in 1999, but much of the shine has come off those same effects when viewed a decade later. Compared to a more modern SFX-oriented crowd pleaser like Avatar, some scenes in The Phantom Menace don’t look much better than a current-gen video game.

And the 3D transformation that’s supposedly the purpose for this whole re-release? I give it a solid “meh.” 3D’s second renaissance is already experiencing a second backlash, and The Phantom Menace isn’t going to turn that around. Outside of the pod racing scene – which still stands out as one of the best set pieces in not just Episode 1 but all of the prequels – you only really notice the 3D when it’s especially bad. There’s no 3D Jar-Jar jumping out of the screen at you, thankfully, but neither does it really improve anything.

But you know what? At some point in the two hours it took to take in this re-release, I realized that I was enjoying The Phantom Menace. No, it’s not the Star Wars fans wanted. And Lucas could have used a better editor, both in the cutting room and certainly on the script, and maybe a more active director to coax better performances from the cast.

But whatever his sins in the eyes of fans, George Lucas still has a singular ability to create compelling settings. I’m sure that right now there are kids the same age as I was when I caught the Star Wars bug, poring over novels and short stories to learn more about Anakin, Qui-Gon, and Mace Windu. And sitting there in the theater listening to the hum of lightsabers and watching starfighters cut left and right across the starscape, it was still inarguably Star Wars.

…

Jar-Jar Binks still sucks, though.

• Ten Movies That’ll Make You Glad You’re Single on Valentine’s Day

Rosemary’s Baby (1968)

It’s just your typical girl-meets-boy, fall in love, move into a fabulous apartment, boy sells out girl’s womb to Satan-worshiping neighbors to incubate the antichrist story. It’s happened a million times, but this stuff is creepy, even if the trailer is awkward as all get out. And, clearly, you’ll be glad you don’t have a significant other to give you over to your creepy neighbors for drugging and demonic embryo implantation ceremonies.

The Stepford Wives (1975)

I’m not talking about the fluffy, light-hearted Nicole Kidman/Matthew Broderick version, I’m talking the 1975 horror/sci-fi version. It’s scary. You’ll be glad you aren’t moving to the suburbs with anyone who may or may not join a men’s association and implant a chip in your brain to make you a picture perfect housewife.

The Shining (1980)

Sure, it sounds like a great idea to take your wife and kid to a remote hotel for the winter. It’ll be quiet, you’ll get work done and spend quality time with the fam. Too bad the hotel will turn you into an axe-wielding maniac. Nothing says love like busting through the bathroom door and making this face:

Heeere's Johnny!

Misery (1990)

She breaks his ankles with a sledgehammer. She breaks. His ankles. With a SLEDGEHAMMER! Need there be more? You’ll be glad no one has ever wanted you to stick around that badly.

The Crush (1993)

You’d think the Dread Pirate Roberts could handle Alicia Silverstone having a little bitty crush on him. Too bad she was batshit crazy. How glad are you no one wants you like Darian wants her darling Nicholas?

Fear (1996)

Sure, it’s great having an older, sort of bad boy boyfriend, until he rapes your best friend, beats up your best gay, and tries to kill your whole family. Please, be overjoyed that no one has ever carved “(Your Name) 4 Eva” into their chest.

Scream (1996)

So, your mom was murdered a year ago, but things are looking up. You’ve got a super-cute boyfriend, your best friend is actually pretty hilarious, and your dad’s going out of town. Party time, right?!?! Wrong, because someone is going to start killing off kids in your town, and that someone is going to turn out to be your boyfriend, who also killed your mom because she was sleeping with his dad. Be really, really happy you didn’t lose your virginity to you mom’s murderer.

The Amityville Horror (2005)

So, the original’s fine and all, but it doesn’t give a supporting role to Ryan Reynolds’ abs.* Once again, be glad your sweet boyfriend doesn’t get turned into a psychopath by your surprisingly under-priced house.

*

Paranormal Activity (2007)

Here’s one for the fellas! Or at least the guys I saw it with found it pretty freaking scary. Regardless, you should all be pretty stoked that you don’t have a girlfriend who’s followed, then possessed, by a demon.

My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

The 1981 version is fine, I guess, I can’t really be expected to be impartial when Jensen Ackles is involved, can I? Just be glad that you didn’t cause a mining accident, leave your hometown, and return 10 years later to find your ex-sweetie married to a possible pick-axe murderer. That’s even worse than an axe murderer, since pick-axes are all pointy and stuff.

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Episode 208: Nebraska

We open where we closed at the mid-season break, with Rick lowering his gun after shooting Sophia and everyone else in shock. Beth grabs the Walker that used to be her mother, it goes apeshit, until WaaAndrea takes care of business. Suddenly, Shane cares about Sophia and Daryl and everyone else. He freaks on Hershel, claiming he must have known Sophia was in the barn, Hersh says it was Otis’ job and he must have put her in there before he died. Shane also yells at Rick for, I don’t know something, Shane’s a bit of a yelling, sad panda this go ’round.

As the great Justin Timberlake once said, cry me a river.

Glenn asks Maggie if she knew Sophia was in the barn, she says she didn’t. He quietly remarks that now they can at least move on. By the barn, Lori talks to Carl about what’s happened, he says that Rick did the right thing, that he would have killed her himself. Lori gets a bit of an, “Oh, shit!” face, which is understandable.

Yikes.

The group mobilizes to dispose of the bodies, digging graves for those that they loved and creating a burn pile for the rest. Shane does some more yelling about how what he did was right, and some more moping about how everyone thinks he’s a giant d-bag. When it comes time to have a service for Sophia and the others, Carol won’t leave the RV, saying that her little girl died a long time ago.

Hershel packs his wife’s things and finds a flask in a dresser drawer. Maggie asks Glenn if he’ll stay if the rest of the group decides to leave, but before he can answer, Beth collapses in the kitchen. Lori, and pretty much everyone else, thinks she’s in shock, but they can’t find Hershel to confirm. Apparently no one remembers this happening:

No one thinks Beth might have gotten scratched here? No one?

I’m pretty sure most of these people have experience with what happens when a person turns. I’m pretty sure fever and convulsions are involved, if memory serves. Beth is turning y’all, that’s my call.

Rick and Glenn head into town to find Hershel and bring him back to the farm.

Carol has gone to the woods to do some grieving by way of thrashing around in tall grass, she emerges later to find Shane getting some water. He apologizes to her and cleans her up, which is, um, okay, weird?

Dale tells Lori he thinks Shane killed Otis, and that sooner or later, he’ll kill someone else to save himself. Meanwhile, Beth’s condition has worsened, Lori goes off to find Daryl and asks him to go into town and bring Hershel, Rick, and Glenn back. Which, isn’t Beth’s “condition” the reason the went into town in the first place? Anyway, Daryl is busy grieving in the traditional, angry way of the redneck, in lieu of booze, he’s making arrows. He won’t go after them, because he’s done looking for people.

Rick and Glenn find Hershel drowning his sorrows at the local watering hole. He’s lamenting how foolish he’s been, believing the Walkers were just sick all this time. He’s also deep in a there’s-no-hope hole, so Rick tries to dig him out by telling him that it doesn’t matter if they have hope, they need to be there to give hope to everyone around them. He also says that nothing has changed, death has always been all around us, and we’d always gone on before. Maybe Rick should have been a bartender or a therapist instead of a cop.

The doctor is in.

Lori takes Maggie’s car and heads into town to find the boys. This happens:

Oops! My bad!

She loses control of the car and gets into a full-on accident. We won’t see her for the rest of the episode.

At the bar, 2 fellas walk in. Dave (Michael Raymond-James), who you might know as Rene from season 1 of True Blood, and Tony (Aaron Munoz), who you might know from nothing at all. They claim to be from Philly, but those accents, good gracious, those are not Philly accents. The 5 men share drinks as Dave tells their story, how they’ve made their way south only to find every place overrun with “lame brains,” which you’re right Dave, Walkers is way better. We get the episode title when Dave says he’s heard of a train in Alabama taking people to Nebraska and Kansas (small populations, lots of guns, they explain). When Glenn says he hears Nebraska is nice, Dave laughs and tells him there’s a reason their called fly-over states (apologies to our own Nebraskan, Rob Fortin). Tensions rise as Dave and Tony press the others to take them to the farm, Tony threatens to kill them and take the farm. A desperate Dave says they can’t stay out there and goes for his gun. Before he can get a shot off, Sheriff Rick puts a bullet in his head, then quickly turns and guns down Tony.

So, this happened.

Back at the farm, Shane, T-Dog, and WaaAndrea burn the bodies of the lesser-known Walkers.

And, that’s that for the first episode back, a bit slow until the end there. I kind of wish Rene had stuck around. He’s fun in a dirty-sexy way. But next week, looks like we’ll get to meet some of his friends – in a shoot out! Lori will be trapped in a car with Walker-face coming at her. Looks like everyone else will be generally irritable and irrational, so things are back on track. Join me, won’t you?

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I'm the opposite of mad, bro

8:01 – I love that the Boss decided to count in the E Streeters with an “un, oo, fee, fo” – an obvious nod. to Eddie Murphy’s SNL version of Buckwheat. I don’t love that he goes on to repeat “we take care of our own” roughly 742 times over the next 4 minutes.

8:05 – LL Cool J, our host for the evening, referred to TSwizzle as his around the way girl and to Paul McCartney as his homie. February 12, 2012 – the night hip hop completed it’s long journey to the middle. Mark it down, folks.

8:07 – A prayer for Whitney Houston, one of the greatest voices in music history.

8:11 – I’m totally on board the Bruno Mars train. His obvious James Brown influence is cool and the man clearly understands that when you have 15 people on stage it’s a good idea have them do something other than dance. Plus he told the crowd to get off their rich asses and have some fun.

Gaga does not approve of your insolence, Bruno Mars

8:21 – Alicia Keys and Bonnie Raitt duet on a tribute to Etta James. It was nice of Bruno Mars to loan Alicia his hair for this somber tribute.

8:25 – Screw you, Chris Brown.

8:36- Does Jason Aldean always perform in Yosemite Sam’s cowboy hat? That’s huge! So this “country song” he’s singing with Kelly Clarkson is a total 80′s hair metal power ballad. Somewhere, Kip Winger just got aroused.

8:38 – Kelly Clarkson just sang Aldean’s microphone into submission. American Idol -1, Yosemite Sam -0.

8:48 – Dave Grohl and the Foo Fighters giving a predictably energetic perfor- hold the phone, Grohl is rockin’ a Slayer t-shirt!!! Finally, Slayer has broken into the mainstream, so real fans, like Taylor Momsen, can stop carrying the torch all alone.

8:56 – My girl Rihanna is here to light up the stage and wait – why is she sporting Meg Ryan’s hair from “When Harry Met Sally”?

I'll have what she's having, hairwise

8:57 – Did Rihanna bring all of Barbados with her tonight? There’s roughly 6,000 people on stage with her. Is that how many people live in Barbados? Why don’t I know this?

8:58 – Now Rihanna is singing with Coldplay. It’s official – she is the new Nate Dogg. Just having her sing on a track instantly makes it better by a factor of 50, at least.

9:16 – I was thinking the other day, if the Grammys ever does a Beach Boys reunion, wouldn’t it be cool if Maroon 5 and Foster the People opened for them by doing “Surfer Girl” and “Wouldn’t it Be Nice,” respectively? Turns out, no. No, it would not.

9:20 – Check it out, Brian Wilson and the boys, back together again and they sound really good! But I think I speak for everyone when I ask: why the John Stamos snub?? And now “Kokomo” will be in your head the rest of the day. You’re welcome.

9:32 – Nice, Stevie Wonder introducing Paul McCartney, this should be tremendous! Uh, Sir Paul? Just a side note here, but when Rod Stewart beats you to the whole, “hey, let’s do an album of standards, that should be easy” idea by like a decade – probably not a good call. Come on, dude, you were a BEATLE!!

TSwizz & the Appalachian All-Stars

9:41 – Wow, interesting choice for Taylor Swift to strap on a banjo and duet with the White Family of West Virginia. You, uh, go girl?

9:52 – So, I think they handed out like 5 awards so far and Adele has won all of them. She’s like Bugs Bunny in that baseball cartoon where he plays all the positions. Adele – First Base. Adele – Second Base. Adele – Shortstop…

I wonder if he knows Deadmau5

9:53 – I’m officially bored.

9:54 – And the cure for boredom has arrived – Katy Perry, bi-curious ladies and gents!  I think I just Tebowed in my pants.

10:17 – Glen Campbell tribute featuring The Band Perry and Blake Shelton… or is that the Shelton Blake? Either way, great segment all around topped off by Campbell in his live performance swan song. Nice send off for the Rhinestone Cowboy.

You get the horns, baby!

10:40 – Death Montage… as expected, Whitney swoops in late and grabs the coveted last spot from Clarence Clemons. The Big Man can’t be pleased with that. Oh, that Whitney, she’s such a diva.

10:51 – This is where the night changed for me. I was bored most of the time, then came the Grammy tribute to dance music and the introduction to mainstream America (and me) of Deadmau5. Phenomenal dance beats and a light up Mickey Mouse head with a crazy LED display. I want Super Bowl MVP commercials to now go something like this: Eli Manning, you just won the Super Bowl, what are you going to do now?  “My Dad said I’m allowed, so I’m going to a Deadmau5 concert!”

11:05 – If the Grammys had just ended things at the Deadmaus5 performance or after Adele’s bajillionth award, then we, as a collective nation, would have had to witness the actual day music died. Nicki Minaj “performed” her “tune” Roman Holiday, complete with a short video. I’m fairly certain that Nicki Minaj will murder me in my dreams some night in the near future, while screaming “ROMAN!!!”

I would talk about the 54th Grammys ending with yet another instance of LL calling Paul McCartney his homie, then screwing up the lyrics to Golden Slumbers in the introduction. I would also talk about the pretty cool guitar showdown between Springsteen, McCartney & Grohl, but I think I hear someone whispering “Roman,” so I need to get the hell outta here!

ROMAN!

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At last, our long, national nightmare is over, or returns? Depends on your view, but what I’m saying here is that the mid-season break is over and The Walking Dead returns to our TV sets this Sunday night! Hip-hip-hooray! I’m sorry, I get old-timey when I’m really excited!

And since I’m so good to you, my reader…s, I’m going to give you a quick refresher on what our intrepid band of survivors got up to in the first half of the season. Are you ready? Cause you should totally get ready. I mean like, right now.

We opened with the gang leaving Atlanta for Ft. Benning, where they hoped to find more survivors. Unfortunately they hit a traffic jam. I know, on a major highway out of a major U.S. city, it’s a head-scratcher. They look for stuff until they’ve caught the attention of a passing zombie horde and hide. Sophia doesn’t wait long enough and gets chased into the woods by some undead hooligans, thus setting up the motivation for the first half of the season: The Search for Sophia.

Everyone searches for Sophia, and Andrea whines a lot, until Carl gets shot while looking at a deer. Yes, shot. Kablam. Thanks to his accidental shooting of little Carl, we meet lovable farm-guy Otis. Otis takes bleeding Carl to the farm he lives on with a bunch of other survivors. Here we meet Dr. Herschel, daughters Maggie and Beth, her boyfriend Jimmy, and Otis’ wife Patricia. Everyone makes their way to the farm while Worst Person Alive Shane and Otis go to get medical supplies at the zombie-infested high school.

This won't end well for old Otis.

Everyone does some more waiting while Shane and Otis get chased around by lots and lots of Walkers. Rick also gives Carl lots of blood. The Search for Sophia continues. Shane returns Otis-less with the respirator necessary for Carl’s surgery. Then we get a flashback to the Worst Person Ever killing Otis so he can get away from the Walkers and save a whiny kid’s life. He shaves his head so no one will know Otis ripped some of his hair out in the fight. I officially hate Shane.

Congratulations, bud, you earned it!

Carl pulls through the surgery and upon waking, his parents lie to him about the whereabouts of little Sophia. There’s a memorial service for Otis in which his murderer wears his clothes, which is awwwkkkward. Glenn & Maggie head into town for supplies and have pharmacy-floor sex. Lori discovers she’s preggo. WaaAndrea complains some more. Rick decides to stop wearing his sheriff’s costume. And, AND, my darling Daryl shows the world his sensitive side. Swoon!

Redneck + Survival Skills (Heart x Gold) + Poetry = Swoon

Everybody lies to Hershel, c’mon try it! It’s fun! Daryl gets on a horse! He also spots Sophia’s doll in a creek bed and gets himself all hurt to rescue it. Through the process of being hurt, he hallucinates his dead brother being a total dick, which is not out of character for the possibly-departed Merle. Glenn finds out that Lori is pregnant. WaaAndrea shows us all why she should not have a gun by taking a really dangerous shot at a “Walker” that turns out to be Daryl. I hate her even more, but she’s a terrible shot so she only nicks him. Maggie & Glenn pass notes under the dinner table about doing it later. Unfortunately for her, Maggie is late and Glenn finds out…dun! dun! dun! That the barn is where they keep their zombies on this farm.

I don't think this will be a light-hearted, "Thriller"-style romp.

Welcome to Hershel’s farm, where everybody’s got a secret! What’s your secret? Glenn’s got 2 secrets: barn full of Walkers, and Lori’s baby. He is not good a secrets, y’all. He tells Dale everything. Dale confronts Hershel, who thinks the Walkers are just sick, like schizophrenics, the metal health community thanks him. My 2 least favorite people show signs of wanting to do it with each other, which is gross. Glenn & Maggie go into town again, she’s pissed that he spilled the proverbial beans about the Walkers in the barn. Glenn sends Maggie in the back to get some Plan B for Lori, which it’s way, way too late for, and Mags gets attacked. She finally sees up close what the Walkers really are, dead. WaaAndrea & Shane hit a sub-division looking for Sophia (yep, still missing). They don’t find her, but they do find a bunch of zombies and have car sex in the middle of the road. Ew. Rick finds the morning-after pills and finally finds out that Lori is pregnant. She also clues him in that she was doing Shane while they thought he was dead. To his eternal credit, Rick is really cool about it.

Glenn tells the group about the barn o’ Walkers, the collective reaction is a predictable, “WTF!?!?” Shane acts like a giant douche about everything, from the barn, to the contents of Lori’s womb, and no one is surprised about that. Rick tries desperately to keep the peace while dealing with Hershel, and learns how the good doctor came to have a barn full of zombies. When one wanders onto the property, they truss ‘em up and toss ‘em in, Jimmy nearly gets bit in the process. Shane discovers that Dale has taken the guns and takes off to find him, proving, once again, that he’s awful by threatening an old man. Maggie & Glenn take their relationship public. Rick, Hershel, and Jimmy arrive with Walkers in tow just in time for Shane to fully lose his shit and break the locks on the barn doors. Zombies begin filing out of the barn and the survivors get their target-practice on. Hershel crumbles, seeing so many friends and family members meet their final end. Rick hangs back, watching what’s going on. He hangs back that is until Sophia emerges from the barn, fully zombified. He steps up to make the hard choice, to do what has to be done, and takes out the little girl he cared for.

O! M! G! Y'all!

And that is pretty much that, mid-season ended on a pretty down note, but this is a rare time when I agree with Mr. Dante Hicks, it’s real life, and life is just a series of down endings. So, what will happen in the second half of the season? I can’t say for sure, but I’ve got a feeling that it’s going to be awesome, so join me won’t you? Sunday, February 12, 2011, 9 pm, don’t be late!

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Even though there was some pretty good football played during the brief breaks in the onslaught of commercials this year, for many people the quality of a Super Bowl is largely judged based on the commercials — and the halftime show, of course, although the less said about this year’s awkward collision of pop stars the better. Gosh, a middle finger on TV? Well, I never!

So, how did this year’s crop of commercials stack up? Overall, I give them a solid B. There weren’t too many outright disasters on par with the most atrocious GoDaddy ads and racist Pepsi MAX commercials of yesteryear, but the decision of the vast majority of advertisers to release their commercials online ahead of time sort of took the wind out of their sails. That’s especially the case for commercials that worked really well as 2 minute YouTube videos, only to be cut down to a miserly 30 or 45 seconds for actual broadcast. Come on, guys, what’s an extra $10 million for the fulfillment of an artistic vision?

As with any year, though, there were standouts in terms of quality in both directions. So here are three of the best and three of the worst commercials from this year’s Super Bowl.

The Best

Skechers’ Mr. Quiggly ad highlights the best possible outcome for a Superbowl commercial: it relates to the brand, it provides a specific message, it features the product, and it has an adorable animal. I question their choice of music, since I think there’s more powerful tunes that could be used while a small dog taunts his competition by moonwalking in sneakers (I would have preferred something more on the order of Salt-N-Pepa’s definitive composition, ‘Push It’), but I suppose if you’re going to save money somewhere in a commercial it should probably be the music (especially when your dog is that cute).

This awesome commercial for Audi’s S7 (and its apparently-intense LED headlights) is another example of the triumph of a commercial that actually shows off the product in a clever way. At the same time, it expertly lampoons not only the ongoing obsession with vampires but the Twilight movies’ hacky special effects. Not only are you entertained, but you know something about the car now! There’s no great easy way to convey a slow, impressed clap in blog form, but that’s what I am awarding Audi (and Audi’s ad agency) for this tremendous commercial.

This is one of those commercials that suffered from being cut down for broadcast length (the comedic reveal of Darth Vader wasn’t as funny in the TV version), but even then it was pretty entertaining, continuing VW’s 2-year run of awesome licensed Star Wars commercials. The message is a little bit more obscured than some of the other ads, but the dog getting in shape is probably supposed to be representative of the New New Beetle getting a sportier look than its predecessor. All in all, a good and memorable commercial, and it gets bonus nerd points for the Dr. Evazan, Ponda Baba, and BoShek lookalikes in the cantina.

Full disclosure: I knew two of those names off the top of my head, but I did have to do a Google search for “mos eisley cantina sideburns guy.” You may be interested to know that BoShek is a Corellian smuggler with mild Force sensitivity (Thanks, Wookieepedia).

The Worst

This Pepsi commercial is borderline incoherent, like an advertising executive got really bad food poisoning and just wrote down whatever insane ideas came to him during his whacked-out fever dreams. Elton John is a mad king? Melanie Amaro defeats him with music and liberates the people of Pepsitania? Not even the appearance of Flavor Flav lurking Gollum-like in the Pepsi dungeon can save this commercial, no disrespect to the esteemed Mr. Flav. All the elements of a good commercial are there, but Pepsi is still not Coca-Cola and this commercial will do nothing to change that.

Plus, I mean, have you HEARD Funeral For A Friend/Love Lies Bleeding? There’s no way  a second-hand dance music cover of an Otis Redding and/or Aretha Franklin song is overthrowing anything. The man is Sir Elton for a reason, people!

GoDaddy, release Danica Patrick from your sinister grasp and stop making these dumb commercials. That is all.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, where to start? Well, how about the obvious question: Where’s Cameron? Surely Alan Ruck’s Speed money has long since run out — it couldn’t have cost that much to give the man a passing cameo in the commercial, and Ferris without Cameron is like Oreo filling without the cookie. Too sweet, too cloying, and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

That’s not the single biggest problem with this commercial, though. No, that particular honor goes to the fact that Matthew Broderick apparently called out of work to have fun driving around in his sporty, luxurious, eye-catching…. uhh… Honda CR-V? Seriously? This is a CR-V commercial? One of the most boring, safe, and unremarkable vehicles on the market? This is a pretty clear case of someone having an (admittedly great) idea for a commercial, only to wind up pairing it with the worst possible product. Imagine how great this commercial would’ve been with an actually exciting car. Honda gets a huge thumbs-down for wasted potential alone.

–

And that’s all for this year’s Super Bowl ads. Not a great year, not a bad year, but an all-around okay year. Here’s hoping Sir Elton is able to escape from his dungeon in time for next year’s big game/advertising blitz!

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1. Cheesesteaks- wiz wit or wit’out, don’t matter
2. Water ice- pronounced “wooder oice”
3. Goldenberg’s Peanut Chews- a.k.a “filling puller- outers”
4. Tastykakes- especially Butterscotch Krimpets and PB Kandy Kakes
5. Soft Pretzels- best bought from a street vendor, and NO- SuperPretzels don’t count)
6. Hoagies- because we don’t do subs
7. Frank’s Black Cherry Wishniak- simply put, it’s “pumping with flavor”
8. Pork roll- we just love our processed meats
9. Scrapple- in case pork roll isn’t disgusting enough for you

OK, back to Wing Bowl.
Who started it?
- Angelo Cataldi and Al Morganti, talk radio guys from the all-sports radio station, WIP.
Dear god, WHY?
- They were tired of the Eagles never making it to the Super Bowl, and wanted to give Philadelphians a chance to rally and win at something.
Where is it held?
-Wing Bowl came from humble beginnings, the first being held in a hotel lobby. Now the event draws an audience of over 20,000 so it’s housed someplace more appropriate. Since 2000, it has taken place at the Wells Fargo Center where the 76ers and Flyers play, and yes— the same place I may or may not have attended a sold out Katy Perry concert.

This is what 20,000 people with nothing better to do at 6:30 am on a Friday morning looks like

Who can enter?
-Anyone… sort of. To be eligible, you must complete an on-air eating challenge at the radio station. Examples of past qualifiers include Michael “Wing Kong” Collins, who ate 5 lbs. of spaghetti-os in 1 minute, 14 seconds, and Dan “The Cop” Calter, who drank 12 oz. of maple syrup in 7 seconds. Wing Bowl qualification rules are pretty subjective. Alternatively, if you win any of the various “Wingoffs” that are held throughout the year, you also get a spot at the big show in February.
But seriously, what kind of people do stuff like this?
Well, here’s a photo of Bill “El Wingador” Simmons, who won FIVE Wing Bowls* It is rumored that he preps for the big day by eating loads of frozen Tootsie Rolls. Yummy!
*1999, 2001, 2002, 2003, and 2005… like it matters

El Wingador: wings in the front, party in the rear

WHY on earth does this take place at 6:30 in the morning?
- That’s when The Morning Show airs on WIP, and any time is a good time to see girls in lingerie. Besides, Philadelphians love any excuse to wake up and start drinking [also see: The Mummer's Parade, St. Patrick's Day, Sunday, etc.]

Screw the wings. Some guys go for the breasts and thighs.

So how many wings do you have to eat in order to win this thing?
-This year’s winner, Takeru Kobayashi (that guy that ate all the hot dogs) ate 337 wings in 30 minutes (that’s just about 1 wing every 5 seconds).

Kobayashi housed 66 more wings than second place finisher, Jonathan "Super" Squibb (also pictured)

So, while I’m sure it takes lots of talent to QB your way to a Super Bowl win,  anyone that can eat 337 hot wings in a half hour is (in my mind) more deserving of a sweet new Corvette. Besides, if I ate that many wings, I would need to be shuttled out of the arena in a motor vehicle. Stay tuned for a future blog post in which I’ll explore how that skinny little guy can eat so much and not gain a pound, I’m so jealous!

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Robyn

The Swedish-pixie-dance-entrantress has a hit now with the spectacular “Call Your Girlfriend,” which I doubly love because it resulted in this video by SNL cast member Taran Killam. But in 1997, Robyn Carlsson shot for pop princess stardom with the best of ‘em, let me refresh your memory with “Show Me Love.”

Christian Bale

Batman, Oscar winner, “OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH goooooooooood for you!” guy, all-around super-serious actor man, Christian Bale is pretty respectable. But in 1992, he was just a socialist, union-forming, singing, dancing, newspaper seller in the Disney classic Newsies.

Ryan Gosling

Everyone who has ever watched Behind the Music knows that Justin Timberlake, J.C. Chasez, Britney Spears & Christina Aguilera were on the Mickey Mouse Club together, but you know who else was there? Hey girl, it’s me Ryan Gosling, and I’m going to join Justin, J.C., and some kid who left the business onstage in my finest, most giant, oatmeal-colored gear to sing Jodeci’s “Cry For You” – with a wind machine. (The Gos steps to the front at about the 1:31 mark. It is priceless and magical. You will love it.)

Ben Affleck

Maybe this doesn’t count for everyone, but my 4th grade class was already crushing hard on Ben Affleck thanks to our science class viewings of Voyage of the Mimi. In this PBS gem, little Ben set sail on the Mimi with his fake-grandpa, Captain Granville, to learn about the ocean, whales, weather, and sign language. Is it any coincidence that 10 years later my dorm room would be covered with Armageddon-era Affleck posters? I think not. (Also, this old man at the docks is maybe the least helpful customer service professional ever. Stop the scientists, but let the little boy go on ahead.)

Jenny Lewis

Lead singer of Rilo Kiley and indie music dream girl Jenny Lewis didn’t start out all hip and cool, she started out doing lots and lots of commercials. That’s not all she did in the 80s though, Ms. Lewis was a honest-to-goodness child star in Troop Beverly Hills and The Wizard. In the latter, she played a baby-feminist who got to awkwardly make out with Fred Savage. Who didn’t have that dream in the 80s?

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